Fallen Feathers

I've never been a good tourney fighter. For years this built on itself, where I would be nervous about a tourney, and then do poorly, and then be upset at myself, and then be nervous for the next one. It was vicious, and I didn't have the right words to express my feelings, the right person to confide in, or the right people to practice with. Fighting in tourneys is supposed to be fun competition, but it was making me feel useless and embarrassed.

Last night I entered a tournament, the Crapaud, for the first time in about ten years. On the way down to the site I was able to open up a bit about it with the ever amazing aquestrian. Some of the old feelings were dredging up and I was afraid of embarrassing myself in front of her. She listened, really listened, and then dispelled my fears. Just like that.

After warm ups, when we were circling up for the toasts and challenges I looked over at aquestrian locked eyes with her and felt myself center for the upcoming fights. The first fight is a challenge fight, and so I challenged someone I didn't know, a man named Lucius, buoyed by my feelings for aquestrian.

Surprising aquestrian is hard. Really, really hard. So the look on her face when I walked over and presented her with flowers during the salutes was doubly sweet. The crowd seemed to enjoy it as well, but the part that meant the most to me was the connection we felt as I knelt before her.

The fight with Lucius was good. We had a brief rally and then both threw the same shot. His aim was good, mine wasn't, so down I went. After the fight he came over and we spoke about the fight, and discussed what is throwing off my aim. I now have a few drills to practice.

In the second round I pulled Thorfinn, King of the West. The fight lasted maybe two seconds. aquestrian took a video of it, which I will post later. I closed and threw a wrap, he blocked it and threw a blindingly fast flat snap and down I went. His shot happened in two frames of the video. Two. It was a bit discouraging, but I thanked HRM for the fight, and remembered that there is a reason he is King. After all, at least half of his fights were just as fast.

And after that I had fun watching the fights and remembering why I love this. The people, the fighting, the honor and courtesy on display. I love all of it and I love sharing it.

And then, after the fighting was over and Thorfinn won the tournament, he made me La Fleur. It is a month long title that the winner of the Crapaud gives to the fighter they believe showed the best example of chivalry in the tournament. It's hard to express how humbling this was, to receive such an honor from His Majesty. I felt the weight of the heavy chain the medallion hangs from, and the weight of all those who have held the title before me as I knelt before him. I felt the weight of promise, expectation, pride and humility.

Next month I will travel down to the Crapaud to pass off the chain to whomever the winner chooses. I hope to do it honor until then.

Oh yes, pictures will be coming.

And here is the second half of the out of date update. Pictures behind the cut! ( Read more... )

A little while ago and picked up some supplies for an earthquake/emergency kit. I ordered a couple of handcrank/micro-USB emergency radios so I think I can now check it off.

I spent some time with Mike last week, playing Arkham Horror. I do love AH, even if it is the most ridiculously over the top Ameritrash game ever. We didn't finish, and it wasn't looking so great for us, but it was still a good night.

On Halloween we watched the classic silent film Nosferatu. Pretty much everything you hear about it is true. It is well done, there is great work done with lighting and establishing shots, Max Schreck is creepy. On the down side, it has several slow points that don't hold your attention well. Overall, well worth watching.

I have a very good friend whom I greatly respect intellectually, professionally, socially, physically, and morally. I'm glad to know him, and value every interaction we have. But sometimes it can be difficult. And today is one of those days.

See, we have a lot in common, somewhat similar life tracks and are generally interested in the same ideas, hobbies, lifestyles and practices. But he is better than me and more dedicated. At all of them.

I know about the dangers and uselessness of make such comparisons, and I almost never do. I've never been one to angst over such things and am happy to just be the best me that I can.

I'm almost always content with our relationship, happy to learn from him and excited by what he is doing. I feel myself growing from knowing him and am happy that I helped facilite him becoming who he is today.

And then, rarely, briefly, passingly, painfully, it fills me with self doubt.

I know it will pass. I know that I have accomplished much, will accomplish much more and have much to be proud of. I, egotistical jerk that I am, know that I have done much better at life than so many of my peers, and that I am not one to be stuck in the past, but am constantly becoming a better person. I can look back on my life so far with pride.

Earlier today I was discussing this, and discussing our core differences with sacra_imbri. She pointed out that the biggest difference between us is that he is astoundingly good at self directing his goals and dedicating himself to them, while I can be indecisive and hesitant to throw myself fully into the fire. She's right, and this is probably the thing that I am most often upset with myself about. But I have no idea how to change it. How do you develop creatively past indecision and learn to fully commit to your own decisions and desires?

I'm pretty good at self direction and discipline. I'm pretty good at exploring new ideas, self teaching, contemplation and experimentation. But I could be better at all of these. I could be more expressive, I could be better at building and leading community and I could be better at focusing on living the life I imagine, rather than the one my actions take me towards. It wouldn't look very different, we're talking degrees here not major course corrections. I mean, I've already done a hell of a lot and am looking forward to more.

So, what techniques, what praxis, what magic would help me make that next step? Is it something that I should do, that I can do? Or, what can I do to accept this part of who I am?

Tomorrow I won't feel this way. And on Monday I am going to take a step towards dealing with some of the things that I think may be holding me back.

Weekendness
Friday - Mom and little sister got in in the evening. We went to 328 Chinese, which has all the wonderful food that I was hoping for. John surprised us with fried ice cream for dessert.

Saturday - cleotigermom came up to shuffle children around with mom. We went out for good BBQ before mom took the kids on the trip and cleotigermom went back home. That night I went to aisa0's party, checked out his spiffy new house, drank some mead and drummed a bit.

Sunday - A nice late start to the day, followed by some gardening with alzarqa13, first at her place then at mine.

WoW and Life Changes
I canceled my WoW account today. I'm not really playing it much any more, as I'm busy with other things that I enjoy. I have until 4/19 before it to actually expires, so if I find myself playing again I can uncancel it pretty easily.
I'm not riding my bike as much as I would like, which I should fix. I am doing a lot of work on the house, and I really appreciate the help that sacra_imbri, alzarqa13, ~G~, cleotigermom and everyone else has given me. Actually, it seems like home improvement has taken up what was previously my WoW time. This may be a bad thing, since WoW is cheaper. ;D

Request for Ideas
On the home improvement train of thought, I need some help. In my front yard I'm going to be pulling two juniper bushes and a dying pine tree soon, and I have no idea what to replace them with. The area I'm concerned with is ~400 sq ft, and will contain an aloe, a prickly pear and a desert willow. There is a currently defunct sprinkler system that covers the area, but with a very small amount of money and a Saturday I could get it functioning again. I want a ground cover that is no/low water, easy to maintain and will get rid of what is currently growing there, namely ragweed, crabgrass and goatheads. Any ideas? So far all I've come up with is gravel, which is ok, but I'd like some more options.