Fallen Feathers

I have a very good friend whom I greatly respect intellectually, professionally, socially, physically, and morally. I'm glad to know him, and value every interaction we have. But sometimes it can be difficult. And today is one of those days.

See, we have a lot in common, somewhat similar life tracks and are generally interested in the same ideas, hobbies, lifestyles and practices. But he is better than me and more dedicated. At all of them.

I know about the dangers and uselessness of make such comparisons, and I almost never do. I've never been one to angst over such things and am happy to just be the best me that I can.

I'm almost always content with our relationship, happy to learn from him and excited by what he is doing. I feel myself growing from knowing him and am happy that I helped facilite him becoming who he is today.

And then, rarely, briefly, passingly, painfully, it fills me with self doubt.

I know it will pass. I know that I have accomplished much, will accomplish much more and have much to be proud of. I, egotistical jerk that I am, know that I have done much better at life than so many of my peers, and that I am not one to be stuck in the past, but am constantly becoming a better person. I can look back on my life so far with pride.

Earlier today I was discussing this, and discussing our core differences with sacra_imbri. She pointed out that the biggest difference between us is that he is astoundingly good at self directing his goals and dedicating himself to them, while I can be indecisive and hesitant to throw myself fully into the fire. She's right, and this is probably the thing that I am most often upset with myself about. But I have no idea how to change it. How do you develop creatively past indecision and learn to fully commit to your own decisions and desires?

I'm pretty good at self direction and discipline. I'm pretty good at exploring new ideas, self teaching, contemplation and experimentation. But I could be better at all of these. I could be more expressive, I could be better at building and leading community and I could be better at focusing on living the life I imagine, rather than the one my actions take me towards. It wouldn't look very different, we're talking degrees here not major course corrections. I mean, I've already done a hell of a lot and am looking forward to more.

So, what techniques, what praxis, what magic would help me make that next step? Is it something that I should do, that I can do? Or, what can I do to accept this part of who I am?

Tomorrow I won't feel this way. And on Monday I am going to take a step towards dealing with some of the things that I think may be holding me back.