Junpei was with me for sixteen years, a constant presence during so many ups and downs. He had a, er, strong personality and so I'd like to share some of his lessons.

1) Set high expectations for yourself, live up to them, and be vaguely disappointed that others aren't. Love them anyway.
2) Stolen water tastes better.
3) Let people make over you but only until it makes you uncomfortable. Clearly tell them to back the fuck off as soon as that happens.
4) Comfort people who are sick or sad.
5) Annoy people who are working when they could be doing something else. Like getting you a glass of water.
6) Help the younger generation live up to their potential. They'll need it.
7) Always expect and give respect.

It's taken me awhile to write this one, but in May, I went to England with my family and it was amazing.  I've always wanted to go, as I've had a fascination with England since I was small.  My sister Erin was coming back from a year studying anthropology in Finland, and with a stop-over at Heathrow, my mom and I figured it would be the best time to see the country.


I've only been a tourist overseas once before - Costa Rica.  And in many ways, coming to England felt very much like coming home.  The language, the people, the culture, the history, it all felt really familiar.  Walking around the streets of London and feeling the deep time connection of history was just amazing.  And since I am a medieval aficionado and huge history buff, it was extra awesome.

I have a lot to catch up on. Here are a couple. ( Read more... )

A little while ago and picked up some supplies for an earthquake/emergency kit. I ordered a couple of handcrank/micro-USB emergency radios so I think I can now check it off.

I spent some time with Mike last week, playing Arkham Horror. I do love AH, even if it is the most ridiculously over the top Ameritrash game ever. We didn't finish, and it wasn't looking so great for us, but it was still a good night.

On Halloween we watched the classic silent film Nosferatu. Pretty much everything you hear about it is true. It is well done, there is great work done with lighting and establishing shots, Max Schreck is creepy. On the down side, it has several slow points that don't hold your attention well. Overall, well worth watching.

I made a dress for someone a while ago, but the first time they wore it was this past weekend.

I modified the pattern a bit to fully line the bodice and, of course, adjust for her height. She is very happy with it, which is great. It took more work that I was expecting, mostly because of the number of pieces in the bodice. But still, it was worth it.

I have a very good friend whom I greatly respect intellectually, professionally, socially, physically, and morally. I'm glad to know him, and value every interaction we have. But sometimes it can be difficult. And today is one of those days.

See, we have a lot in common, somewhat similar life tracks and are generally interested in the same ideas, hobbies, lifestyles and practices. But he is better than me and more dedicated. At all of them.

I know about the dangers and uselessness of make such comparisons, and I almost never do. I've never been one to angst over such things and am happy to just be the best me that I can.

I'm almost always content with our relationship, happy to learn from him and excited by what he is doing. I feel myself growing from knowing him and am happy that I helped facilite him becoming who he is today.

And then, rarely, briefly, passingly, painfully, it fills me with self doubt.

I know it will pass. I know that I have accomplished much, will accomplish much more and have much to be proud of. I, egotistical jerk that I am, know that I have done much better at life than so many of my peers, and that I am not one to be stuck in the past, but am constantly becoming a better person. I can look back on my life so far with pride.

Earlier today I was discussing this, and discussing our core differences with sacra_imbri. She pointed out that the biggest difference between us is that he is astoundingly good at self directing his goals and dedicating himself to them, while I can be indecisive and hesitant to throw myself fully into the fire. She's right, and this is probably the thing that I am most often upset with myself about. But I have no idea how to change it. How do you develop creatively past indecision and learn to fully commit to your own decisions and desires?

I'm pretty good at self direction and discipline. I'm pretty good at exploring new ideas, self teaching, contemplation and experimentation. But I could be better at all of these. I could be more expressive, I could be better at building and leading community and I could be better at focusing on living the life I imagine, rather than the one my actions take me towards. It wouldn't look very different, we're talking degrees here not major course corrections. I mean, I've already done a hell of a lot and am looking forward to more.

So, what techniques, what praxis, what magic would help me make that next step? Is it something that I should do, that I can do? Or, what can I do to accept this part of who I am?

Tomorrow I won't feel this way. And on Monday I am going to take a step towards dealing with some of the things that I think may be holding me back.

I am here to write more, to express more, and to say more. I know that it is lonely here on LJ, but maybe that is ok.

Where am I? In the beautiful hills of Hayward, CA, overlooking the San Francisco Bay. I've moved so much in the last year and a half. 1100 miles, a time zone, several cultures, 5000 feet, 3 hours, many loves, unmeasurable internal distances, about 3 inches and into a biome unlike any I've known.

It was time, you see, to leave the desert. There were many reasons, but it came down to just being time. All remaining obstacles cleared, opportunities presented and I was bodily shoved out to the Bay.

It is beautiful here. Beautiful and warm and loving and exciting. Restful seems to be a bit elusive, so I have to forcibly schedule that.

How am I doing? Lets round it up:

Physically
I've lost some weight, gained some muscle and am feeling great about it. I'm eating mostly primal, walking more, doing some bicycling (including the ludicrous hill climb home) and roller skating a whole lot.  laughingstone convinced me to join up with the Peninsula Roller Girls as a ref.  It's been a great time and good for me in several unexpected ways.  It's been very cool to feel my balance develop, along with strength I've never really though about before.  I still need to find something for upper body though.  Regular rock climbing?  I have problems working out just to work out, which is why I like to put a bike or hike between me and work or have some sort of social game.

On the down side, I need to get my mousing shoulder looked at.  Professional hazard.

Mentally
I've been learning a lot.  Since moving here I've embarked on a reading assignment (see spirituality, below) that has had me devouring pages of natural history about the Bay area.  Geology, hydrology, ecology, plant and bird identification have all been on my plate, and there is still more to come.  I've refreshed some coding skills, learned the ins and outs of CAN/CANopen networking, started developing a mental map of the area, learned a bunch of roller derby rules, started learning some of the Welsh myths.

Emotionally
The big move took a lot.  I was scared to pull up and away from so much community.  But I left and have found that there is a great, welcoming community here.  I'm happy.  Work is no longer a constant background stress, but rather a place where I can simply do something that I am good at.  I'm no longer worried that I might walk in to locked doors and a bankruptcy sign.  That is such a huge relief.

Meditation has been good for me.  I've been able to find my way when I was lonely, tired or feeling lost.   

And, as it turns out, I have found a support network out here for which I am so very grateful.

Spiritually
I've been maintaining a daily practice and occasional meditation.  When I first moved here I was first able to really pick up meditation, but the last month has been a bit difficult, schedule wise.  I can fix that though.  My order is celebrating its centennial this summer, so I will be travelling for that.  I'm still happy with this path, though it can feel like a lot of work and the growth can be tiring at times.  I have yet to really make strong connections with a druidic or pagan community here, though I know that there is a large one here.  Perhaps soon.  I have had a nice attendance for the celebration I ran, so that was nice.

And now I'm sleepy, so I'll just do a quick proofread and head to bed.

I probably missed some typos, but now I'm too tired to care.  Enjoy!