I've never been a good tourney fighter. For years this built on itself, where I would be nervous about a tourney, and then do poorly, and then be upset at myself, and then be nervous for the next one. It was vicious, and I didn't have the right words to express my feelings, the right person to confide in, or the right people to practice with. Fighting in tourneys is supposed to be fun competition, but it was making me feel useless and embarrassed.

Last night I entered a tournament, the Crapaud, for the first time in about ten years. On the way down to the site I was able to open up a bit about it with the ever amazing aquestrian. Some of the old feelings were dredging up and I was afraid of embarrassing myself in front of her. She listened, really listened, and then dispelled my fears. Just like that.

After warm ups, when we were circling up for the toasts and challenges I looked over at aquestrian locked eyes with her and felt myself center for the upcoming fights. The first fight is a challenge fight, and so I challenged someone I didn't know, a man named Lucius, buoyed by my feelings for aquestrian.

Surprising aquestrian is hard. Really, really hard. So the look on her face when I walked over and presented her with flowers during the salutes was doubly sweet. The crowd seemed to enjoy it as well, but the part that meant the most to me was the connection we felt as I knelt before her.

The fight with Lucius was good. We had a brief rally and then both threw the same shot. His aim was good, mine wasn't, so down I went. After the fight he came over and we spoke about the fight, and discussed what is throwing off my aim. I now have a few drills to practice.

In the second round I pulled Thorfinn, King of the West. The fight lasted maybe two seconds. aquestrian took a video of it, which I will post later. I closed and threw a wrap, he blocked it and threw a blindingly fast flat snap and down I went. His shot happened in two frames of the video. Two. It was a bit discouraging, but I thanked HRM for the fight, and remembered that there is a reason he is King. After all, at least half of his fights were just as fast.

And after that I had fun watching the fights and remembering why I love this. The people, the fighting, the honor and courtesy on display. I love all of it and I love sharing it.

And then, after the fighting was over and Thorfinn won the tournament, he made me La Fleur. It is a month long title that the winner of the Crapaud gives to the fighter they believe showed the best example of chivalry in the tournament. It's hard to express how humbling this was, to receive such an honor from His Majesty. I felt the weight of the heavy chain the medallion hangs from, and the weight of all those who have held the title before me as I knelt before him. I felt the weight of promise, expectation, pride and humility.

Next month I will travel down to the Crapaud to pass off the chain to whomever the winner chooses. I hope to do it honor until then.

Oh yes, pictures will be coming.

I've been in an odd sort of minor funk the last couple of weeks, casting about trying to figure out what was wrong. Yesterday I had the perfect prescription to clear my head of the worst of the emotional static and this morning I realized what I need to do. I needed a list. A big list, containing lots of smaller sub-lists. So, on to my list.

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